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My life as I believe it will never remain the same

My life as I believe it will never remain the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.


It was really odd that I never drank when I was in high school However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.


Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.

Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. As I got older, the stress of taking care of my parents and my sick child while dealing with my partner's lack of interest and poor temperament altered my ritual of having wine leisurely to a more frequent consumption.


We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it

When I return home - and face the family mess, getting dinner, attempting to get ADHD kid to concentrate on homework while prying the other erratic of his iPod.....I can just consider blending that drink....which I continue refilling until in the long run I nod off or go out. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.


But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.


Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.

My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:

  • Being completely drunk at a party last year.
  • Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fuming messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits before my children
  • Domestic violence against my husband
  • Making a tantrum when my child brought his friend to spend the night which basically is a none issue.

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel like I am returning back home.